Bakura Does Barspeak
by Borath
Summary: Basically Bakura tells Ryou how to suss out people in a bar from what they say. Hopefully more interesting than it sounds. Warning for swearing. Hey, it is Bakura here.


Bakura Does Bar-Advice 

By Borath

I don't own any of them.  I claim what I do to them though.  I don't know what this is but maybe you'll learn something from it.

****

Right, it was Ryou's birthday yesterday so he is now old enough to go into a bar without an accompanying adult and get a drink of any description without the assistance of a fake ID or me threatening the barkeep.  But the naïve little twerp knows nothing about bars so I am going to teach him a few things before I let him loose on his own.  Not that I care or anything; this is just a good opportunity for me to show off my knowledge and get hammered in the process.

So, heading to one of the better booze-houses in the area, 'The Underground', I have told Ryou that he is just to watch and listen silently from his Soul Room and pay attention to what I tell him.  I've picked a place where there is a descent variety of people so I can teach him about them and order him how to treat them.  Hey, the quicker and the better he learns, the less I'll have to bother looking after his hide.

Inside the bar now and I can sense Ryou gawking in amazement at the guy who just strutted past me wearing what looks like paint.  Actually he might have been drooling over the guy behind him, but I don't really give a shit so sod it.  

Right, getting to your lesson. 

What a person says and what they really mean are usually very different things.  In a bar these discrepancies are made even bigger by the influence of alcohol.  That's the obvious bit.  There is also the influence of gender.  Let us take Subject A, the tall guy standing by the doorway with his mates.

"No, really!  I'm okay to drive."

Right, from the way he's swaying even you'd be able to tell that he's hammered, Ryou.  So what he really means is: 'I'm wasted, and I'm too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going home with', and I'd probably do the same thing because the worst piece of meat is skulking in the shadows behind him with his hand in his.  By Ra, have some taste!

Ryou, if you ever bring home cheap shit like that, I will hurt you.  Now, moving on to the idiots by the darts' board.  The guy in the black shirt is not throwing well, yes?  Well, that's putting it nicely.  He's throwing those things like Yami.  Hang on; he's turning to his mates who are pissing themselves at his astounding crapness.

"I'm just not used to these darts."

That's a pretty poor excuse.  Saying something a bit more chauvinistic like: 'I was eyeing up 'X' over there so I was a bit distracted' is better.  What the guy really means is: 'I'm not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this bombed'.  When you hear that excuse from someone, Ryou, stay very far away from them or you'll be whining to me about not being able to see out of one eye.  And I am not dragging your arse to a hospital ever again.

"Let's go out to my car and get some cigarettes."

That's a rather crude one from the guy who just brushed past me and is lucky to still have his head from even touching this shirt.  Right, he's said that to the girl behind him right?  So he actually means: 'You would look great face down in my lap', gottit?  Not the best of pickup lines because when you try to make a move on them once you get them outside to the car you're borrowing for the night, they don't always go along with you.  

Ah, two women.  Now, I know you aren't really interested in them Ryou but they are worth a bit of attention sometimes.  Catfights and bitching sessions for example are always a good bit of entertainment.  Okay, Bitch A has just said: 'I haven't seen you around here for a long time', smiling broadly and falsely whilst glaring just a little bit at Bitch B.  With that tone and that face she actually means: 'You stuck up little cow, too good for your old friends?'.  

Now, from the way Bitch B is squirming you can tell that after a few tonics they are going to be ripping out each other's hair.  Keep an eye on women like this after seeing this sort of exchange because then you can just sit back and watch the fireworks when all Hell erupts.

"Hey, where is that friend of yours?"

Two guys behind us, right Ryou?  What one just said is a classic and most mortals are too stupid to figure it out at the time.  Yes I'll explain it, just let me thieve a drink.  Right, you can tell there used to be at least three people in that group.  That question meant: 'I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position."  

It's a useful line but I suggest you actually *know* the person you talk to on a first name basis before you say it.  If you want to lay them and not their friend you need to do a little research and backlogging to get at them.  It's a bit more work so you need to decide if they're really worth it.

"Excuse me."

That bastard who just shoved me and who I've just elbowed in the side?  He was quoting a line that has many meanings.  It varies with the sexes so whilst I duck into a corner so the bouncer doesn't chuck us out I'll explain.

'Excuse me' from one guy to another means: 'get the fuck out of my way' because no self-respecting male is really that polite.  Except for you and Yugi.  I'm working on you now so take some of this to heart and Yugi is Yami's problem so he's on his own.

'Excuse me' from a guy to a girl is an advanced warning: 'I am going to grope you now', after which he slides past her with his crotch in her arse and his hands gliding over her waist.  That one usually gets the guy knutted if the girl isn't a slut, which is quite fun to watch, mostly because it's him and not you.

'Excuse me' from a girl to a guy is the counter-measure to the 'Excuse me' from the guy to the girl.  It basically means: 'Don't even think about groping me; just get the fuck out of my way.'  Women are quite bitchy most of the time so when you get an 'Excuse me' between two women the real meaning is long, rambling and like pretty much everything else they spout: pointless.

So, from a girl to a girl, 'Excuse me' is a smarmily nice cover for: 'Move your fat arse.  Who do you think you are anyway?  You are not all that, missy, and don't you think for one minute that you are.  Coming in here dressing like a ho...  Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you like the slut you are!'  It's anyone's guess what else goes through their head before the bitch-slap goes flying so stay away from two women barking 'Excuse me' at each other.

It's even funnier when neither of them says anything and they just stand in front of each other glaring, both with a complete and utter refusal to move out of the other person's way.  That one takes a while to sort out and is usually helped on by outside sources, either their partners or strangers guiding them away from a possible confrontation, or if they're like me, goading them on against each other.

That bouncer is still looking for me and he's quite big and I have a headache so I can't be bothered to send his bubblehead into the Shadow-Realm.  We'll leave now and I'll continue this another day, but we'll just pass the bar and see if there are any bit of change or some wallets lying around and crying for a new owner.

"Can I just get a glass of water?"

I fucking hate that line from women.  Once you hear that you know to stay away from them because they're really not worth your time.  It means: 'I'm annoying, but just cute enough to get away with this.'  I told you earlier that some 'sayings' mean different things depending on gender, like 'Excuse me' you remember?   Well, this is the same.  From girls this is annoying but from a guy it's quite understandable and the barkeep has to oblige.

From a guy 'Can I just get a glass of water' means something like: 'It's 6:00a.m. and I just stopped drinking half an hour ago.  Hell, I probably dropped half of my paycheque in here last night.  It's the least you can do for me."  I'm no weakling so I've never uttered those words and I never will either, but you probably will in the future so they're worth remembering.

Right, leaving now with a healthy profit of two wallets, a purse and two drinks that I don't think I want to identify.  No I'm not sharing before you ask and don't pull the honesty shit with me, Ryou.  I've given you a lot of good advice tonight so you owe me.

Now I'm feeling a bit inspired so we're going to head over to Kaiba.Corp and I'll teach you the finer points of breaking and entering.  His fancy cameras and laser systems are bollocks against the Ring, but for tonight I'll just try to get your puny brain around unlocking the door.

Now, take notes Twerp because they'll be a test at the end of the week…

****

Yes…  I don't know either.  Feeling charitable?  Review?


End file.
